Low Tek Photography

I normally like to update this my blog/site with photos whenever I finish a set so that I can post up all the photos from one session while getting a chance to crack a lame joke here and there. At first it worked out pretty well when I was updating every 3-4 weeks. Then suddenly, I slipped and fell into artist’s cliché and lost my shit for a little while. More about that after the photos.

Anyway, since its been 5 months since I’ve updated this thing, I think now is as good of a time as any to modify that rule-of-thumb. So from now on, I’m just gonna post up new work as I get them done. Otherwise they’ll never see the light of day with my old schedule. Thankfully, this update is a small but complete set with Natasha June.

Derealized Embrace has an interesting story behind it. I had started it a few months ago then stopped in order to go into manic depressive insanity for a spell. On Memorial Day weekend I decided I’d take the 3-day weekend to work on it. Everything was going great until Photoshop decided to shit itself. I had saved my work, but my Win XP machine was getting slow. The Windows 7 RC disc had been staring at me all week. So I said ‘fuck it’ and decided to format my system and start with a new faster OS that everyone at work had been raving about. OS installs are nothing special for me. My very first job was a computer tech. I’ve built every machine I own, and I can usually fix whatever computer problem I’m having without having to resort to calling tech support.

If you’re running XP like I was, you’ll have to reformat in order to upgrade to Windows 7. I backed up most of my important data onto my secondary HD and made the usual preparations for a wipe and install. When the install screen came up and asked me which partition I would like to install on I selected the first partition on Disk 0. However, the “Format” wouldn’t allow me to click it. I thought about it for a moment and decided to click “Delete” so I could delete that individual partition and then remake it which would essentially do the same thing. So I clicked “delete” and watched all 3 partitions get deleted.

That was one of those moments in life where everything slowed down to a crawl as realization at what I had just done crashed into me. I immediately canceled the install and shut down my machine while wishing I had an “Undo Last Stupid Action” button for life that I could bring out of my pocket and push. I yanked the drive and tested it in another machine and sure enough the entire partition table had been deleted. My data was gone. The second hard drive that had all of the important data like my art wasn’t responding for some reason. I couldn’t read any data off of the drive. So just like that, I lost my OS and art. Shortly after a depersonalized nervous breakdown (which is always amusing) I managed to purchase a new HD, install Windows 7, and find a data specialist. A couple weeks later I was poorer but I had my art and my data back.

Trying to explain what Depersonalization Disorder (DPD)  is to someone is an odd experience. Its like explaining a disorder that doesn’t sound like a disorder to most people. Some people I’ve talked to said they would love it if they could turn off their emotions and go numb for a while. While it can be helpful when life has a tendency to kick you in the balls, it really not that fun. For most of my life it has been manageable, but lately I’ve been experiencing another form of DPD called Derealization.

In a nutshell:
Depersonalization is the unreality of your sense of self.
Derealization is losing your sense of reality completely.

Most times, it can be a terrifying experience to endure. Sometimes it can be enlightening.

These past 9 months have really changed how I see everything and it is beginning to show in my thoughts, my behavior, and my art. In that time I’ve struggled with my disorder daily while trying to understand it.